February 13, 2005

Wifely Lesson #982/How to Share Late Night Thoughts

Now this is an important lesson to learn early in marriage. One will use this lesson quite a number of times over the years, it is necessary to get the technique down correctly.

First one must establish a worry. This is a worry which will wake/keep one up at night, become more and more serious as time goes on. Say, for instance, a child flunks a quiz. This of course occurs during the day, and seems relatively minor event. By 2am however, one can fairly well determine that not only has the child flunked the test but said child will in fact flunk the course, then then year, then school, then become a drop out, become a bum unable to support himself or the sudden appearance of 15 dependence. Logic and math have no place in this scenario and resorts to logic should be summarily dismissed.
Completely ignore the fact that the child is 6.

Now that you have your worry firmly fixed in the mind it is necessary to establish fault. That's easy, it is the husbands fault. That is just life. It is always the husbands fault or the children's fault or the dogs fault if it comes to that, but it is not your fault. I am aware that husbands feel a bit differently.

Now we come to the heart of the lesson. You know your child is headed for a life of destruction based on the results of one test at age 6, but your husband is not so priveleged. You need to inform him. NOW. Yes it is 2 a.m. but would it really be right to spare him till morning when everyone is so busy and you might not be able to inform him of this dreadful fact? OF COURSE NOT! However, it is also important not to wake him directly.

That would be rude.

But wake him you must. There are several methods to take.

The first is to wait a bit. People naturally wake at night. Since your awake you can watch for him to be awake and as soon as he wakes ask in a concerned voice "Can't sleep?" Which will of course arouse him and the answer will be no.

"Neither can I" you must then sigh dramatically. Not with this problem we have with Johnny!"

However, it is possible said husband will not be so considerate as to wake quickly enough for your needs. You must then wake him. But how?

1. You may call him, quietly. If he answers, then he was awake all that time really, and you need merely launch into your "Oh Johnny!"
2. Shake the bed slightly. See above.
3. Grab off all the blankets. Works only if it is cool in the room.
4. Moan or call out as you were having a bad dream. This one requires a slight change in the above. When he wakes you in concern you must moan "Bad dream about Johnny!"

In any case, you now have your dh awake, and the problem out. He already knows it is going to be awhile before he can sleep again, so you are okay.

You must now put all your effort into describing the worst possible outcome to the tragedy. Not only will Johnny become a bum, towing all 15 dependents, but he will also become an axe murder wiping out all but 20 people from the state of Wisconsin; 12 jurors, 1 defense attorney, 1 prosecuting attorney, 1 reporter, 1 judge, 1 jailer/executioner, and 3 people who didn't see anything.

Do not let reason enter into this scenario. It is counterproductive. No matter what sensible argument your dh has it is wrong. It is now 3am and you are exhausted and you are right.

Allow another 1/2hr to pass. Finally allow your dh to persuade you that most likely the worst that will happen is that Johny will need to study a bit harder for the next quiz or test. Since this is what the teacher said accept it and go to bed, care-free.

Sleep until the alarm goes off; it might be the last chance you get. Your dh is probably thinking of ways to kill you.

(Extreme exaggeration of the events, which, btw did not pertain to Johnny, but to something else altogether, merely reflect my husbands perception of the events, and he has the right to be slightly pissed at me.)

Posted by Rachel Ann at February 13, 2005 07:13 PM

LOL! I do this. Perhaps we employ this "worst case" strategy because it stops our men trying to fix the problem, and allows us to happily worry out loud without fear of so-called solutions ;-)

Worst thing about working was having a terrible day, wanting to talk it out, and being told, "Well....leave, then."

Posted by: Sally at February 14, 2005 06:55 PM

Im married to a fixer and I share a problem and its So? what do you want me to do about it? and the answer is of course nothing just listen you loveable blockhead....

Posted by: Hokulea at February 15, 2005 08:19 AM
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